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The Need for Reasonable Consequences

As a therapist specializing in helping families and adolescents get from the age of 13 to 18 as smoothly as possible, I spend a lot of time pondering the consequences enforced for undesirable behavior. Two facts are paramount when it comes to consequences-they must be enforced consistently and they must be reasonable. It is also preferable if they are known in advance, but if parents are consistent, that aspect will be taken care of naturally.

The biggest key to having consequences shape behavior is to have them enforced consistently. A child who knows he will be grounded if he misses curfew because that is what happened the last two times is much more likely to get home on time than the child who was grounded when he missed curfew but not the other time. For the second child there is a bit of a 'lottery' aspect to punishment, and as the lottery people are fond of telling us 'it might be you'. While it is almost impossible to be 100% consistent, and I certainly do not advocate a 'iron clad' rule aspect, where no extenuating circumstances are taken into account, all parents should keep in mind that the more inconsistently rules are enforced and the less consequences are given, the less likely children will be to follow the rules.

Another major issue that comes up time and again in my practice is the need for reasonable consequences. Many parents will start with a rule such as 'if you cut school, you will be grounded for a day'. When they find that a grounding for a day had no effect, they increase the time to a week, then a month, and occasionally six months or a whole school year. A consequence that has gone to this extreme is no longer useful-if it ever was in the first place. A child who is grounded for six months will likely have been forgotten, by the end of the six months, what got her in trouble in the first place, so the connection between negative behavior and undesired consequence is lost. Also, a parent who has grounded a child for six months cannot ground that child again for six months, and has a lost a possible consequence. A more reasonable approach would be either to extend the length of time more slowly or, better yet, reconsider the type of consequence all together. Chances are, if the initial grounding did not change the behavior, the child does not mind being grounded. This a time for parents to get creative-perhaps withholding money would be more motivating, or reducing curfew for two weeks, or eliminating outings on Friday or Saturday night for one week.

Consequences also work better if they are known in advance. A child who know he will be fined $50 for every hour he is late for curfew is much more likely to be on time than one who finds out only after the fact. He is also less likely to argue the fee, since he was aware of it when he decided to stay out late. A child who knows the consequence before he earns it will not be happy about it, but he will be less angry and resentful, and can see better the relationship between his actions and the results of these actions.

Consequences are an important tool in shaping the behavior of adolescents. Consequences that are consistent, personalized to the adolescent, and reasonable will be most effective and are useful tools for many parents.

Surviving the Holidays with Teens

Ask almost anyone and they will tell you--the holiday season, while fun, can be very very stressful. And if you ask the parents of an adolescent, they will probably add four more 'very's in there. Parents and teens can find it quite a struggle to bring any joy to the season at all. However, making expectations known, arranging personal time for everyone, and emphasizing compromise can help make the holidays merrier for everyone.

The number one remedy for unpleasant surprises during the holidays is for family members to make expectations known. From something as simple as teens letting parents know what they would like for gifts to something as touchy as parents telling adolescents they will be expected to spend time with the detested 'Aunt Gertrude', the more that is explicitly said, the better. Getting expectations out in the open allows for discussion rather than argument--for reasoned debate rather than fighting. It also allows family members to pick a time when everyone is rested and calm rather than tired and cranky to talk things out.

We can all get a little tired of 'togetherness' and this is especially true for adolescents. Making sure teens have a chance to unwind by themselves in their room or even with friends will assure that the time spent together is much more enjoyable. Keep this in mind when relatives arrive, forcing your children to stay home to 'see more of Aunt Gertrude' is unlikely to ensure that anyone enjoys the holidays. Even just a few hours to go to the mall with friends may improve a teen's mood dramatically. Parents should also be sure they take time for themselves. Although adults can tolerate long stretches of family time better than children, family wears on most of us eventually. Some people may find it hard to excuse themselves from company. Needing to do a little shopping, a meeting with 'a friend who's having trouble' and 'a few errands to run' are all good excuses adults can use for getting away from family for a bit. And, when Grandma remarks to you, "I'd really hoped we'd see more of the kids!" you can either be honest or say, "They can only take so much family time, Mom. After that, trust me--you don't want to see them!" or be more coy and say, "I can understand you're disappointed," and leave it at that.

Another key to enjoyable holidays is to emphasize compromises. As adults and role models, it works best if parents are willing to make the first step to 'give' a little. A good technique for making this happen is for parents to start a conversation asking for something they expect their child to refuse, which is not too important to the parents, anyway. For example, a parent might begin by saying, "We'll extend curfew by one hour on New Year's Eve," knowing the teen will object, and already planning to allow a two hour extension. Although it is sneaky, children very much appreciate a parent's willingness to work with them, and this is a way for parents to set a good example without giving more than they wanted initially. Another situation would be if parents suggest their children should study daily during the break, knowing in advance that the compromise will most likely be studying every other day, or studying daily but for less time.

As a marriage and family therapist specializing in adolescents, I have had many adolescents as well as many parents of adolescents sit in my office and tell me how long--usually in months, occasionally in days--it is until the adolescent turns 18 and leaves home. It seems that both the parents and the children can hardly wait for this moment to occur. And yet, as the time draws near--as college acceptance letters come in, plans are laid, and commencement happens--tensions begin to rise as both parents and children are beset by a host of conflicting emotions. The teen cannot wait for the independence and freedom that comes with adulthood, yet is aware to some extent of the increased responsibilities that will come with it. Parents are excited to see a young one mature and fulfill potential, yet at the same time, are loath to give up a job they have had for 18 years. These conflicting emotions often make what is already a stressful time of planning, moving, etc. even more stressful, but there are ways to minimize their effects. By openly stating expectations, negotiating needs, and respecting the new roles everyone is assuming, families can make the transition of adolescents into adulthood much smoother and less rocky.

One area that can cause a lot of stress for families in transition is not stating expectations openly and clearly. Hoping that your parents or children will somehow be psychic and know what you want is a sure recipe for frustration and annoyance. Families who can say, 'Even though you are eighteen, I still expect you to check in before you go out with friends--at least as long as you live under my roof.' Or, alternately, a child may say, 'Now that I am 18, I do not think I need a curfew. I have a job and will be sure I get to work on time each day, so when I go to bed is my business.' Making such expectations clear will avoid scenes such as, 'Why didn't you check in?' 'I didn't think I had to!' and 'I won't be home till much later, Dad,' 'You'd better think again, buster!'

Not always will parent and child agree on the new roles and responsibilities, however, and that is where negotiating comes in. Trying to see the other person's perspective, and give even a little on issues that are raised will go a long way towards keeping home relatively stress-free. For example, in the first scenario if the adolescent finds checking in before going out 'too demeaning,, he might counter-offer that he will check in if he plans to be out later than midnight. In the second scenario, if the parent is not comfortable with letting curfew go, for fear of his sleep being disturbed when the child returns late, he might say, 'That's OK by me, as long as you don't wake me when you come in.'

It is important to keep in mind during these negotiations, however, that in most cases not only is the parent still the parent, the parent also pays the bills, maintains the house, etc. and therefore has final say. It is important not to lose sight of where the final power lies.

Lastly, for a family to make a smooth transition when launching a child, it is important for all to remember and respect the new roles that are assumed. While a parent should strive to recognize the child's increased autonomy and independence, the child must also recognize the parent's diminished responsibility for the child. Legally, a parent need not provide housing for a child after the age of eighteen. Few parents actually do celebrate their children's 18th birthdays by moving them to the homeless shelter, but it is good for children to know that this possibility now exists. Although the bonds of love make it very, very hard for parents to relinquish responsibility for their newly-adult children, it is key that all parties understand that is what happens. 18 is the legal 'magic number' at which parents are no longer obliged to provide shelter, food, clothing, etc. Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children's actions, because their children are now adults and responsible themselves. Although in most families it is enough to just be aware of this transition, in more troubled families it is worth spelling out to the adolescent. Respect is crucial to accepting these new roles. Although parents may be used to 'calling the shots' because they are the adults, if they can allow their children more freedom with their choices, it will make for more responsibility on the child's part.

With a little thought, negotiation and understanding, families can make the transition of a child to adulthood a smooth and easy one. A family that can work in all these aspects to its child's transition to adulthood will be getting that child off to a very good start for a happy and successful life.

What to do about sibling rivalry?

How can it be that we all love our children—-all of them—-so much, and they don’t seem to love each other? Siblings will argue about anything— who did what, who gets what, who’s better, who ‘Mommy loves better’. You name it, siblings will argue about it. And the things they say to and about each other! Things you would hope the worst bully in school wouldn’t say seem to come naturally to the lips of siblings. ‘I hate my sister’. (To sister) ‘Mommy never wanted you’, ‘You’re fat/ugly/stupid’ it never ends. And the more parents tell them, ‘No, you’re both good at….’ or ‘I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!’ the more they argue. So what is a parent to do? The solution is easier than it may seem. Most sibling rivalry can be diffused if parents are willing to take a hard look at what they say to their children and how parents treat them. Denying feelings, emphasizing the equality of children, and comparing siblings are three excellent ways to ensure siblings are at each others’ throats. Fortunately, once parents are aware of these behavior patterns, they can easily change them and the rivalry between siblings will decrease dramatically. If you don’t believe me, consider the following examples.

Imagine you went to your spouse and said, ‘Darling, I had a tough day!’ and, after relating your troubles, your spouse said, ‘That’s not so bad—cheer up!’ Would you feel cheered, or annoyed that your spouse hadn’t listened? If a coworker let you down by not completing an assignment you asked him to do told you to ‘chill out’, would you relax, or feel more angry? Reasonable or not, we all think our feelings are valid, and having people tell us otherwise will not change the initial feeling for the better—it will only add frustration and annoyance to the mix.

Returning to the examples above, if your spouse, instead of dismissing your hard day, said, ‘Yeah, that sounds tough!’ you might feel more relaxed and happy immediately. If, instead of scoffing at your annoyance, your coworker said, ‘I’m sorry I let you down—I can hear you’re upset.’ You’d probably feel less angry immediately. Children are no different. Dismissing and denying their angry feelings about their siblings will only make them more frustrated.

When faced with the cry, ‘You love So-and-so better than me!’ many parents instinctively deny this with, ‘No, I love you both equally!’ which frequently only seems to add to a child’s distress instead of soothing it as intended? The issue is children do not want to be loved ‘equally’ or even ‘more’—they want to be loved for themselves. If, instead of protesting equal love the parent said, ‘I love you for the way you make me laugh, and your happy smile. I couldn’t love you any more.’ The child is reassured. All children really want to know is that they are loved, and such a statement makes that clear. Trying to fill needs instead of striving for equality covers many other areas as well. Imagine you are eating breakfast with a sibling, and you notice his pancake is bigger. ‘Hey,’ you protest, ‘He got more!’ if someone says, ‘No he didn’t—your pancakes are equal’ you are likely to feel you weren’t heard. And, if someone gives you more pancake to ‘even it up’, chances are good your brother will say, ‘Hey! Now I have less!’ siblings rarely admit equality. If, on the other hand, the parent responded to your cry of inequality with, ‘Are you still hungry? Would you like something else to eat?’, chances are good you will be satisfied—it is more the search for having needs recognized, not the need to be treated the same, that inspires this drive for equality in kids.

Lastly, although it is very tempting and easy to do, comparisons of any kind are hard on sibling relationships. Some parents will say to one child, while the other is out of the room, ‘You are very good at that— your sister couldn't do that till she was much older’, thinking this is high praise. While the child will still hear the praise, she will also hear, ‘I am in competition with my sibling’. And, of course, we can all see the disadvantage saying, ‘Why can’t you be more clean/smart/well dressed like your brother?’ Far from encouraging a child to try harder to achieve the desired goal, more likely it will make the child angry, thinking, ‘My parents love my sibling better’, and kill all motivation while fueling sibling rivalry.

By taking these three steps, acknowledging feelings, emphasizing the individuality of children and avoiding comparisons between children, parents can dramatically reduce the amount of arguing and bickering due to sibling rivalry that goes on in their homes.

As a clinician in private practice specializing in adolescents, I have come in contact with many families and heard their troubles. General disrespect, blended family issues, suspected drug use—there are a wide variety of problems that will bring a family to seek counseling. The number one issue parents bring through my door, however, is teens who don’t do their chores. Be it schoolwork, the dishes, the laundry—the energy parents must expend to get their children to do these tasks is exhausting. Yet what can parents do? It is necessary that teens learn that there are responsibilities in life. Chores must get done, and a large part of a parent’s job is to educate his or her children about these necessities of life. I have a three-pronged approach I offer parents. Most have tried one two of these techniques, but rarely have they employed all three, and in combination they are quite effective. Few teens can withstand the power of rewards, consequences and consistency when they are all used at once.

Rewards can come in many shapes and sizes, and if used properly are very effective. Most people will work harder to gain something they want than to avoid something they don’t. It is important that the rewards be something your adolescent actually wants, so sitting down and talking to your teen is important. Why make a pizza party a reward for good grades, after all, if your child would rather have the money? Or why give money if your child would rather have the keys to the car for a night? Parents also should never underestimate the power of their praise as a reward. Although they hide it well, most teens still love their parents very much, and a ‘Well done!’ means a lot to them. An evening out with your child can be a reward for both of you. Rewards should be delivered in a timely fashion whenever possible—the closer in time the reward is to the desired behavior, the stronger the reinforcement for the child to repeat the desired behavior. Lastly, it is imperative to follow through on rewards promised, because a child who has worked hard to earn something that was promised that is then denied has been punished instead of rewarded and not only will be less likely perform the desired behavior again, but is also less likely to trust the parent in the future or to work for any other promised rewards.

As with rewards, consequences should be tailored to the child. While one child might do anything to avoid having his cell phone withheld, the other might be more motivated by the possibility of having access to the computer, television or computer games restricted. Money is often a huge motivator—if your child receives an allowance, making a standardized ‘fee for incidents’ agreement is very helpful-- $5 for not doing the dishes, $10 for every hour she is home past curfew (most parents find it wisest to make this rule ‘till the parents know you’re home’, thus avoiding any ‘I was home at…..’ arguments). I always encourage the parents I see to sit with their teens to develop this list of what behavior gets what punishment, with the understanding that while the teen has some input, the parents have the ultimate decision-making power Involving teens in the process of making the list of consequences affords them a sense of power and responsibility and lets them know their opinions matter.

The more concrete and explicit a family can be about the unwanted behavior and the consequence that will follow it, the better for all involved. That way, both parents know what the consequence should be, and there is no ‘But Dad said…’ because everyone knows what should happen.

The most important aspect of changing an adolescent’s behavior is consistency. All the rewards and consequences in the world don’t mean a thing if they are not there when expected. When the subject of adolescents not doing their chores comes up in therapy, I first ask parents about how consistently rules are applied and followed in the home. Is the same behavior always rewarded or punished every time it occurs? A child who loses allowance one week for not doing the dishes but finds that behavior goes unnoticed the next week has learned that there is a bit of the lottery system involved in not doing chores. ‘Who knows?’ he correctly figures, ‘I might get away with it this week!’ Many parents tell me they are ‘quite consistent’ and honestly believe it, then rattle off a list of exceptions. ‘It was all right that he was late that night, because he said Joe left late’ or ‘He is restricted from his cell phone for a week—he only has it to call us after practice 5 days a week.’ Consistency becomes even more important when parents, finding that their early attempts to discipline failed, increase the length of time of punishment till it loses its meaning. ‘If a week with no TV didn’t teach you, I’ll take away TV for a month!’ they figure. However, it is often very hard to remain firm when nagged by a teen for a month. In addition, by the end of 30 days, chances are good the child has forgotten why the punishment was imposed in the first place. Taking the TV away for one night but really taking it away can be much more effective. Consistency goes for rewards, too. A teen who gets praise for bringing home good grades one semester will feel rewarded and is more likely to bring home good grades the next semester. If the good grades go unnoticed that next semester, however, the incentive to perform well is removed, and the poor grades may return. Although the amount of reward may be reduced for repeat good behavior (less money, if that was the reward, less praise, etc.), a reward of some sort should be offered as often as possible and as soon as possible after good behavior.

When parents bring their adolescents on board by asking them what rewards (and even what punishments) would give the most incentive to change their behavior, they have made the first step to finding their children more compliant with chores, schoolwork, and housework. When a system of rewards and punishments is established and followed by all family members consistently, you will find the behavior of the adolescents is generally much improved.

Presentation

Stop the Bickering!

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